Parenting a child with ADHD or a trauma background often looks very different from traditional parenting approaches.

When children have experienced early trauma or live with ADHD, the need for flexibility, understanding, and creativity in parenting becomes even more important.

In Episode 98 of the Every Brain Is Different podcast, we spoke with Andrea, a foster parent raising a 10-year-old child with ADHD and trauma history. One of the biggest lessons from their conversation was clear:

Offering choices and using low-demand parenting strategies can significantly lower anxiety and reduce power struggles.

Here’s how you can apply this approach in your parenting journey, especially if you are raising a child with ADHD or a trauma history.

Why Choice Matters for Children with ADHD and Trauma

Children with ADHD often face challenges with focus, emotional regulation, task initiation, and transitions. Trauma adds another layer, increasing a child’s need for control and predictability.

When a child feels overwhelmed by demands, even simple ones like "get dressed" or "take your medicine,” their brain can trigger a fight, flight, or freeze response.

Resistance is not always defiance. For many children with ADHD and trauma, resistance is a sign of anxiety.

Offering choices gives your child a sense of control in a world that often feels unpredictable. It builds emotional safety and strengthens the parent-child relationship which are two things that are essential for healing and growth.

How Offering Choice Can Reduce Power Struggles

Instead of issuing direct commands, offering choices shifts the focus to giving your child some agency over how and when tasks are completed.

This simple change can lower anxiety and increase cooperation.

Examples of offering choice:

• "Would you like to brush your teeth before breakfast or after breakfast?"

• "Do you want to pack your backpack now or after you put your shoes on?"

• "You can take your medication before dinner or after dinner. Which one works best for you?"

The key is to offer two or three options that you are completely comfortable with and then calmly support your child in making their decision.

Low-Demand Parenting: A Strategy for Supporting Children with ADHD and Trauma

Low-demand parenting does not mean giving up all structure or expectations.
It means prioritizing emotional connection over rigid compliance, especially when your child is overwhelmed.

In the podcast, I emphasized the importance of deciding what is non-negotiable (such as taking medication or attending school) and what can be made more flexible (such as when chores are completed).

By lowering demands in non-critical areas, you reduce your child’s stress and reserve their emotional energy for the things that truly matter.

Practical Tips for Using Choice and Flexibility

• Create a morning routine together. Involve your child in deciding the order of tasks to build ownership and predictability.

• Use declarative language instead of commands. Instead of saying, "Go brush your teeth," try saying, "I see it’s time for brushing teeth on our list."

• Celebrate small successes. Praise your child for following through, even if it looks different than you expected.

• Stay calm when resistance happens. Gentle redirection, rather than escalation, helps keep trust intact.

Parenting a child with ADHD and trauma requires patience, creativity, and a willingness to do things differently. Offering choices is a simple but powerful strategy that meets your child’s need for control and helps build a stronger, safer relationship.

If you are struggling with daily power struggles or morning chaos, then listen to Episode 98 of the Every Brain Is Different podcast. You will learn practical strategies that can make mornings smoother and your relationship stronger.