Understanding the Difference Between Meltdowns and Tantrums (And What to Do About Them)
My son went between intense outbursts of anger and uncontrollable sobbing. It went on for hours, leaving him completely drained.
It was an incredibly tough day. I even had to stay home from work because I couldn’t leave him with a babysitter in that state. I tried everything—talking to him, holding him, and removing overstimulating things—but nothing seemed to bring lasting relief. Finally, I gave him medication for a migraine, and that’s when he finally found some peace.
When this happens, many people tell me I need to “discipline” him or say, “You need to let him know that’s not okay by taking away privileges.” But the truth is, he wasn’t throwing a tantrum—he was having a meltdown. There’s a big difference.
Meltdown vs. Tantrum: What’s the Difference?
Understanding the distinction between a meltdown and a tantrum is key to responding with compassion and effectiveness.
Meltdown:
Involuntary Response: A meltdown is an intense, involuntary reaction to overwhelming sensory, emotional, or cognitive stimuli.
Not Goal-Oriented: It’s not about getting something; it’s about too much happening all at once.
Think Soda and Mentos: Imagine a soda bottle shaking all day long. When the pressure builds and you drop in a Mentos, the bottle overflows—and that’s a meltdown.
Tantrum:
Purposeful Behavior: A tantrum, on the other hand, is a deliberate attempt to achieve a specific goal (like getting a toy or staying up past bedtime).
Ends When the Goal Is Met: Tantrums typically stop once the child either gets what they want or realizes the behavior isn’t working.
How to Respond to a Meltdown
When your child is having a meltdown, they are in fight-or-flight mode and can’t reason with you. Here are some tips for managing the situation:
1. Stay Calm and Regulate Yourself:
Your child is overwhelmed and out of control—they need you to be their anchor. Reacting with anger or frustration only adds more pressure to an already volatile situation.
2. Remove Overwhelming Stimuli:
If sensory overload is triggering the meltdown, reduce the intensity of the environment. Dim the lights, lower noise levels, or remove your child from the space.
3. Meet Basic Needs:
Sometimes meltdowns are triggered by unmet physical needs. Check if your child is hungry, thirsty, or tired, and address these first.
4. Support Their Regulation:
Every child has different coping strategies. Some may find comfort in deep breathing, a quiet corner, or a weighted blanket. Others might need a hug or some time to themselves. Learn what helps your child self-regulate and support them in accessing it.
Get Curious, Not Furious
When meltdowns happen, it’s easy to feel frustrated or embarrassed, especially if it’s in public. But it’s important to look beyond the behavior and try to understand what’s causing it. Ask yourself:
Is my child hungry or thirsty?
Did something unexpected happen that might have been overwhelming?
Are they experiencing sensory overload?
By getting curious instead of furious, you can start identifying triggers and prevent meltdowns from escalating in the future.
Give Yourself (and Your Child) Grace
Let’s be honest—parenting isn’t perfect, and neither are we. There will be moments when you don’t handle things the way you wish you had. That’s okay. Use those moments as opportunities to reflect, learn, and grow. Apologize to your child if necessary and model the behavior you want them to emulate.
Get support with meltdowns
If meltdowns are a regular challenge in your household, I’ve got something that can help. Check out our Master the Meltdowns: 5 Days to Peaceful, Connected Parenting Challenge. This free challenge delivers simple, effective strategies straight to your inbox, helping you feel more confident and connected with your child.
