The Mental Load of Moms: Why Delegation Isn’t Enough

If you’re like me, raising a neurodivergent child, you know what the mental load feels like. It’s the invisible checklist running through your head 24/7: doctor appointments, therapy sessions, IEP meetings, after-school activities, what your child will actually eat for breakfast, and whether tomorrow is pajama day at school.

Moms of autistic and ADHD kids often carry more than just logistics; they carry the emotional labor of anticipating meltdowns, planning transitions, and staying regulated themselves while supporting their child’s regulation. That constant mental juggling can lead straight to burnout.

On the Every Brain is Different podcast, Lauren and I talked about how to shift the mental load in a way that actually makes a difference.

It’s not about “delegating.” It’s about ownership.

Why Delegation Doesn’t Work for Moms

You’ve probably heard someone say: “Let me know how I can help.”

And you probably smiled and said thanks, while thinking it’s easier to just do it yourself. Explaining takes time, and the way someone else does it might drive you crazy (looking at you, dishwasher debates).

The problem is that delegation still leaves the responsibility in your brain. You’re the one reminding, checking, and carrying the task. True relief comes when you give ownership of a responsibility to someone else, so it’s no longer on your mental to-do list.

Four Steps to Share the Mental Load

Here’s the process we recommend for moms raising neurodivergent kids who want to prevent burnout:

1. Name the lanes.
Divide responsibilities into four categories:

• Medical and therapy appointments

• School and activities

• Home operations

• Emotional labor (birthdays, thank-yous, favorite routines, etc.)
  

List every task you manage in each lane, even the small ones. That’s part of the mental load.

2. Assign owners, not helpers.
Instead of asking your partner to “help,” assign ownership. For example, they fully own “school and activities” from paying fees to updating the family calendar. Ownership means you no longer think about it.

3. Define done.
Clarity prevents micromanaging. “Backpack ready” might mean: water bottle filled, homework inside, headphones in the front pocket, and at the door by 8 pm. Define exactly what “done” looks like.

4. Make it visible.
Use a fridge checklist, shared notes app, or family calendar. Visibility keeps tasks on track without you having to remind anyone.

Involving Kids in Sharing the Load

Teaching kids responsibility is part of reducing your mental load, too. The goal isn’t perfection, it’s contribution.

• Preschoolers: put toys in a basket, carry napkins, or match socks.

• Elementary kids: pack their backpack using a picture checklist, lay out clothes, and unload the dishwasher.

• Tweens & teens: run one weekly laundry cycle, manage their own sports bag, plan a simple meal.
  

For neurodivergent kids, remember that support matters: scaffolding, visuals, and patience go a long way. Celebrate effort over perfection.

Preventing Burnout for Moms

Remember, burnout is not a personal failure. It simply means the demands are outweighing the resources you have. Sharing the mental load, by shifting ownership, not just delegating, frees up your mental space and helps you show up calmer, more regulated, and more connected with your kids.

Listen to episode 132 of the Every Brain is Different podcast for practical scripts you can use with your partner, your kids, and even friends who want to support you.